Alone on the train...but not really

Bj left today. We parted ways in Madrid.

After being with Bj for a week her departure left me feeling sort of lonely. I have a good routine and lifestyle here in Spain but having her here (talking like I used to, sharing stories of home & hearing her laugh) has left me feeling a little empty.

Luckily, while on the train, I was reading a book that helped me to not be sad (thanks Verity). Basically it talks about the feeling 'fear' - and what I was feeling was very similar. I was dreading going back to Sevilla and living in my little bubble that is so far away from the life - including the people - I used to love daily. But my book says 'fear' is just energy that can be used to do our best in uncomfortable situations...so I got up & went for a snack.

At the snack bar there was a lady behind the counter & a woman, probably in her late 80's, dressed in a beautiful green suit with sparkly jewelry on and her hair done - she came up to my shoulder (but with her hair-do she stood at my chin.) She wasn't a fashionista despite being in her best clothes. She was drinking red wine and eating olives out of a cup with a toothpick all by herself, barely aware of me and looking very content despite having trouble stabbing her olives because she didn't have a free hand to hold the olive cup still - her other hand was holding her purse.

I stood next to her, drinking my beer & waiting for my panini pizza, staring out the windows watching the landscape go by. I thought about whether or not my conversation in spanish had just gone smoothly. I wondered if I should talk to the older woman. I wondered when I was going to feel at ease.

Then a really young little girl showed up and literally froze when the woman behind the bar asked her "Que querrias?" She took in a deep breath, we heard a little wheeze come out of her as she stared at the menu, and then she stood still! The bar-woman finally said very sweetly in English, "Take your time." The little girl was probably 13 or 14. She had on big baggy pants, a huge t-shirt & super messy hair. She was so scared to order (even though she was speaking English) but she kept going forward and eventually she got her questions answered (and her coke & pizza panini arrived too.) I was proud of the little girl as she silently enjoyed her pizza alone.

Eventually the little old lady asked us, in Spanish, about our panini pizzas. She'd never heard of them but thought they looked good. She was so impressed she wrote the word down on a napkin and put it in her purse.

The three of us, each in our own little way, were so beautiful & funny. All sort of aware of things and still totally clueless of ourselves.

The older lady had put a lot of effort into her appearance and was totally comfortable being who she wanted to be, AND completely unconscious of me watching her as she fumbled & enjoyed her snacks. Her helplessness didn't make her uneasy & she openly questioned us about things she didn't know.

The little girl was totally aware of me & the old lady listening to her, she was so nervous about not being able to speak spanish. AND she was completely unaware of the food on her face or how messy she looked! Or for that matter how cute she was.

And I was totally in the middle feeling slightly jaded and yet still really anxious for something to happen, as if I didn't exist. I was as uncomfortable as the little girl but more competent at hiding it. And I look forward to being as comfortable as the older woman was at revealing her lack of competency or knowledge. I was really impressed by their vulnerability.

I was proud of all of us - even the bar woman was so loving. The bar lady held the olive glass for the older woman so she wouldn't have to let go of her purse, she smiled the whole time she showed patience to the little girl, and she gave me a wink as the little old lady drilled me about whether or not I liked my panini. She was the world that wasn't against us. All in our own way, she was there to help us. It felt like love.

It was such a nice moment. It reminded me the whole world is here to support me. I have nothing to be afraid of and we're all the same. I'm the old lady - I'm the little girl - and they're me - and they're the bar lady.

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And so I'm back in Sevilla. I've cleaned my room, I've gone grocery shopping and now I'm typing my blog as I wait for Josh to come over. Tomorrow, after a week of traveling, I will go practice my flamenco. Tomorrow Bj will be back in California. It is as it's supposed to be.

(I love you all.)