The end of September closes my 9th month here in Spain. Now that the majority of my time here has passed I've been doing some reflecting.
Coming to Spain and studying here has been fun but harder than I expected. I always try to be positive like thinking that progress is inevitable as long as I keep making an effort, and I have and I'll continue to keep on trying, but the truth is it has been difficult...and progress, I feel, has been really slow for me.
I thought I was a strong dancer when I left California but I've sort of had to start learning everything all over again. And now I feel like my dancing is really sloppy. I realized this in my 1st three months here that my technique and my style needed a lot of cleaning up - and changing old bad habits can be a struggle. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm doing things the new way or the old way. I'm not sure my improvement is even noticeable yet. I'm not down-in-the-dumps or anything, I've definitely fixed some things - like my turns/my footwork technique - but I feel like I'm at the beginning stages of learning again and the road ahead seems so long.
As for learning a new language, this has been even harder. I also came up against something in the process I hadn't expected; the fact that my identity is so attached to my ability to communicate. I'm a people-person and without my ability to talk freely, like my jokes and my tidbits of information, I didn't feel like me. My identity, what I like about myself and what I want to share with others, doesn't come across without being able to speak the same language. I like making connections with people, I like exchanging ideas, but without being able to speak spanish here, those things got sort of lost. Which is how I felt most of the time here. So I would always default back to English, the language I was most comfortable with. And now I'm left with only 3 months left and I still feel my ability to speak spanish is not as good as I had hoped it would be.
My self confidence and my ability to push myself in uncomfortable situations has really been tested while I've been here. For some reason, when I thought of myself living in Spain before I left, I didn't imagine it would be like this. I didn't expect that it would shake me up inside so much. I imagined that I would grow and leave Spain after a year feeling really confident. But instead I think I've been humbled. But that's growing too - it's just different than what I expected a year ago when I started my planning.
Officially only 3 months left until I return home, and I have a lot of work to do.
Well, first things first: I am SOOOOOOO HAPPY that you are coming home! Second, three months still gives you time to brush up more and make more improvments. You should look at all the positive and focus on that, in the end that is all that matters :) xoxo Love you!
ReplyDeletejustine- this is yet another great blog- speaking the truth really connects you to people...what you are feeling now, I'm sure many feel in foreign countries but you never really hear the truth.
ReplyDeleteBUT YOUR ARE CONNECTING!! Don't forget many of us are following your blog and your words are reach us! In your reflections- don't forget your wonderful blog!
Oops, i didn't mean to be anonymous in that last post!!
ReplyDeleteWonderful reflections, Justine. I remember living in Japan and never really being able to communicate the way I wanted, always trying to crack jokes that no one would get because the jokes just didn't work in Japanese. For a period of about two months I lived in a small town and lived with a Japanese roommate who didn't speak a word of English and it was painful. . . I felt like a deaf-mute sometimes, unable to express 50 percent of what I wanted to say or unable to understand 70 or 80 percent of what people said to me. It really took almost two years before I got to the point where I could just hang out with people and talk about anything and everything. But once I got to that point it made all the suffering worth it! Hang in there and don't get discouraged. It's all part of the process adults have to go through when learning a new language.
ReplyDeleteJ, I am so grateful for your Spanish! You spoke beautifully and left people laughing everywhere we went per usual. Although you are making huge efforts, it came out naturally. I am only sorry I didn't get to see you dance, but soon, amiga!
ReplyDeleteI loved this post because it is everything I have gone through since living here. You spoke to my heart. Thank you Justine for sharing this and know you are not alone. un abrazo guapa.
ReplyDeleteand to encourage you.....http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2010/08/six_keys_to.html
ReplyDeletei hear ya
ReplyDelete