Love

So I came to Spain because I love flamenco and I wanted so badly to speak Spanish. I wanted to gain some authenticity and grow as a dancer - I wanted to grow as a person. And I did develop myself in those areas but I also grew in a totally different way than I expected to...my ability to love has grown. I mean I did actually fall in love with someone, in the romantic sense, but (and I know this sounds so corny) but ultimately...wait for it...my ability to love myself grew the most.

This is a hard one to express...

What I mean is I came to Spain to learn to speak & dance but in the end I learned how to take care of myself - how to love myself more. Yes, I fell in love with an actual person too (Josua is a peach!) but having a partner was just another tool, a mirror, to help me see myself better - to see where I had gaps in loving myself - to see where I needed to care more for myself...I didn't expect this at all! It's easy to love yourself when everything in your life is comfortable and your surrounded by family & friends supporting you. But, when you are totally out of your element & alone, you're able to put yourself to the test and really see what you're made of. Without the distraction of my family, my friends, and having a boyfriend who refused to let me dote on him, I spent some real quality alone-time with myself. And, honestly, it was scary. Jajaja! But I survived, and I learned a lot about myself. I learned how to push myself. I learned how to pick myself up when I fell, and felt down. I learned how to sit with myself and be ok with me.

For some reason I never expected this out of my adventure. I thought I was old enough that I'd already learned all of this. I mean I was mentally, physically & spiritually my healthiest before I left in January, so feeling lost was a huge shock to my system; feeling crippling insecurity was really huge. Back home I cherished the time that I spent with myself so the feeling of loneliness was really alien & new to me. But those were the moments that challenged me the most and revealed the most. And they were just moments, just feelings. I realize now that those feelings don't actually mean anything. I just need to wait for them to pass, or get up and go do something. Afterwards I asked myself how those feelings of doubt and sadness could have crept in. And that question lead me to a lot of soul searching. Of course I'm ok now but I'm not sure where I'm at. My return home after a year, leaving a boyfriend behind, and not really knowing whether I accomplished my goals sufficiently, leaves a person feeling like they're not sure of much...and that's where I'm at...not sure of anything but also not worried about it.

You know, the way I feel reminds me of an old Irene Carr song from the 80's movie 'Fame', remember this one? Although I suppose I'm singing it to myself.

Sometimes I wonder where I've been
Who I am
Do I fit in.
Make believin' is hard alone,
Out here on my own

We're always provin' who we are
Always reachin' for the risin' star
To guide me far
And shine me home
Out here on my own

When I'm down and feelin' blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you

Until the morning sun appears
Making light of all my fears
I dry the tears
I've never shown
Out here on my own

When I'm down and feelin' blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you

Sometimes I wonder where I've been
Who I am
Do I fit in
I may not win
But I can't be thrown
Out here on my own
On my own

Today I'll leave Sevilla and tomorrow I will leave Spain.

See you all in a day or two.